"We have nothing to fear except fear itself" - Franklin D Roosevelt.
Possibly because FDR didn't know that Nadger Brooks' character-building service is currently seeking new clients.
Or that the school has appointed Dr Croydon Bunk as its Psychotherapist, or rather, Psycho Therapist.
He'd never suffered the soul-destroying humiliation of a class in Self-Esteem.
He didn't know of the Headmaster's plan to put the whole world in detention for being late.
He'd certainly never tried Liquid Health, the nutritional supplement that detoxifies your digestive system, in the same way that Hiroshima was detoxified at the end of World War Two.
And he knew nothing of the secret ingredient in Lardy Lou's greaseburgers - or, for that matter, any of the non-secret ones, which are equally unpleasant.
At Saint Street Comprehensive, fear is nothing to be afraid of. There's too much else.
If you enjoyed reading The Saint Street School Magazine, and Dr Croydon Bunk's How to Avoid Reading Rubbish isn't any help, then read Lardy Lou's, the book put together by Mr Botfrob to chronicle a typical day at our glorious establishment.
Mr Botfrob can be contacted at CedricBotfrob@gmail.com.